May 20, 2016 Harriet Brookes

Marriage & sex: The frequency is important?

Yesterday  I was having dinner with a group of friends. Most were married, but there were a handful of singles. Somehow the discussion turned to the frequency of married sex. The conversation was driven by the singles—ones that longed to eventually be married—who were curious. How many times a week? How many times a month?


The frequency of sex among married couples depends on how old they are. One survey looked at the sex lives of married people by age. They found that:

1.Between 18-29, married people had sex 112 times a year, or a little over twice a week.

2.Between 30-39, they had sex 86 times a year, or about seven times a month.

3.Between 50-59, they had sex 69 times a year, or a little under six times a month.

Sex appears to declines further as couples get older. Although frustrated married people can romanticize the sex lives of swinging singles, studies show that married people have more sex than single people. While married people 18-29 have sex over nine times a month, single people average a little under six a month. It makes sense — married people have a potential sexual partner in bed with them every night. Singles often sleep alone.

Although, another research about happiness and sex in couples shows that more frequent sex is not always associated with greater happiness and that it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, without having sex everyday, as long as you’re maintaining that connection, we believe that sex is one of the bigger element in relationships. It keeps the flame alive and gives the strength to continue with love and hapiness to a long distance common life…

They are also spreading the urban legend that sex is best when you have plenty of it with plenty of partners. But, one of the best kept secrets, not even in the romantic hideaways of ski lodges or beach resorts.  The best sex is not sex in the city but is in the bedrooms of people who are married for life. Don’t believe it?

Only in the latter and most sexually boring category (no sex or sex only a few times per year) do non-married adults rate higher than their married counterparts. In other words, married couples have sex far more frequently than single or cohabiting adults.

Is There a Normal Amount?

No. It depends on each individual couple. There may be an average amount, but no “normal.” I have seen surveys suggesting an average frequency of sex for married couples to be around a couple of times a month (once every 7-10 days). That doesn’t mean that this is a number to aspire to or judge your marriage upon. What is normal and overwhelming are marriages with at least one partner who doesn’t think they are doing it enough.

The key to a healthy sexual marriage is finding a frequency that works for both of you. It takes a sacrificial love for one another. Investment grows desire. One partner with a low sex drive may need to initiate, even when they don’t feel like it. Interestingly, having sex regularly raises the level of testosterone which increases desire.

It’s like exercising. The more it’s done, the higher the desire becomes to do it. On the other hand, the other partner may need to sacrifice their expectations and sexual needs. There has to be a meeting somewhere in the middle. All of this comes down to communication and to understanding. Talk and listen to one another. Seek to know each other, serve each other and love before being loved.


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